Day 13 {31 Days of Grace}: Ugly Little Monster Named...

This day has been a little crazy - weather-wise...

First thing this morning, after dropping the kids at their respective schools, I needed to go shopping.

Mama needed a new pair of shoes! Well, not really...Mama needed some new undergarments, but a pair of shoes made their way into the bag before I left the store :-) 

morning clouds...so pretty and moving quickly with the wind

Blue skies...wispy clouds

So pretty, right? The sun was even shining!

Well when I came out of the store about 90 minutes later, everything outside was hazy gray.

By the time I picked my son up from preschool and made it home, this is what the view was like...

Dreary skies...

raining on my front porch

I feel like Mother Nature is playing with me...warm and sunny, then breezy, cold and rainy.

Much like my moods have been lately.  I am very grateful for the process of 31 Days of Grace, but as I've mentioned in previous posts, it is not what I'd call easy. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...high HIGHS like hills when I feel accomplished or relieved to have gotten over the latest bump...DEEP lows of regret over past sins and mistakes.

If you ever ridden a roller coaster you know, there's only so many ups and downs one can make without feeling sick.

Over the weekend, I really did feel sick.  I was run down and tired and my body just needed sleep.  My hubby was feeling about the same due to work stress and tension in his neck and shoulders.

Sunday we both awoke at 4:30 am.  I usually arise by 6:30 on Sunday mornings but 4:30 is just completely uncalled for! No amount of coffee was going to get me to dinner without closing eyes.

We went to our regular worship service but decided not to stay for small groups. We came home, fed the kids, set them up with movies and hand held games, and without eating anything ourselves, went to lie down.

FOUR HOURS later, we woke up! Obviously sleep was needed, but I felt like I wasted my entire Sunday.

And everyday since I last posted, I have thought about my most recent writings...one thing kept coming back to me...

I do NOT want to be a woman motivated by fear, called to action out of fear, forced into decisions because of fear.   

Nor do I want to be a woman paralyzed by fear, held captive because I'm afraid.

I had a chance this weekend to really think about that statement I made: 

Reading all this makes me ask myself again, why I was constantly replacing one guy with the next.  I'm really not sure, but the more I learn about myself through this process I know, underneath it all, it was probably FEAR.  Fear of what I am not completely sure - being alone?  Not feeling loved? not being loved? I don't know.

I kept asking myself, "Am I really afraid?" "Was I really afraid back then?"

And trust me, there is fear.  Where did it come from?

My experience is that unwanted emotions (and sometimes actions) are deeply rooted in sin; sometimes a sin that seems totally unrelated.

It's going to seem contradictory - it did to me at first.

I haven't just struggled with fear and low self-esteem most of my life, I've struggled with...

pride

 [prahyd]  Show IPA noun, verb, prid·ed, prid·ing.

noun

1.

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance,merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or asdisplayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

2.

the state or feeling of being proud.

3.

a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one'sposition or character; self-respect; self-esteem.

4.

pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by orbelonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself:civic pride.

5.

something that causes a person or persons to be proud: Hisart collection was the pride of the family.

Check out definition #3...haven't I done this a lot?

Even though I often talk down to myself, I seem to vacillate between getting mad at myself for failing and feeling entitled to some help.  

In the recent past, I have struggled to be sure my motives are good.  That anything I am doing at church (singing, serving, charity) is for God's glory and not my own.

But I struggle with this in other venues as well.  How long can one be overlooked, before the ugly monster of pride rears its head and cries, "What about me?"



I plan to get back to retelling my past in my next post, but this issue has really weighed on me these last few days.


Then today, a friend shared a post from a blog that I also read and just hadn't seen yet today.  How fitting that she is admitting to the same things I have been mentally struggling with this week!

Here's the link, so you can read it for yourself.

Grace and peace~
Leslie