Wednesday, June 5, 2013

{Be Still}: What am I missing?

I am not a confident woman.

I've talked about this plenty before; I think it's one of my biggest challenges with blogging.  Even though my reader pool is small, the fear that someone I know might read my words and {gasp} know something personal about me, is quite great and debilitating.

It keeps me trapped, paralyzed, and not very useful.

I used to like to entertain.  To have people in my house and cook for them and make them things and make pretty, decorative, impressive centerpieces and wreathes for my door.

I had no kids then.  I worked full time and so did E and the house stayed pretty clean because we were mostly only here to sleep and eat.

And, while I'm sure there must have been some stress around a gathering at my house, I don't remember it now.
At best, it pales in comparison to the anxiety attacks I now have over my parents and in-laws coming over for a child's birthday celebration.

I've known for most of my life that I care way too much about other people's opinions.  Their opinions of me, my family, my kids, my house, my abilities as a wife and mother.

And I'm tired!
I am SO, SO, SO tired of being this way!

I hear myself telling Sweetpea that God's opinion matters most.  That she should only compare herself to herself and always do her best even if that doesn't make her THE best at something.

And I feel like such a terrible mother!
Who tells her child this when she can't live it herself?

I can't help but wonder, am I too far gone?

Is 37 years too many years of living this way to let it go?
To be different?
To care less?

I don't know, but I have to start somewhere.

Today, I don't know where that somewhere is.  But I have to find it, and soon.

Because I think I am missing out...
missing out on community and friendship.  Missing out on the hospitality I used to enjoy so much.

Missing out on the freedom that comes with caring less about the unimportant things and MORE about what matters.

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