Thursday, March 10, 2016

{When you don't know what it all means...}

There's something wrong with my mouth.

Well, actually, there are several somethings wrong with my mouth.  I'm really trying to figure out if God is trying to tell me something about my mouth.

Maybe there's a life lesson in there somewhere?

Not in my mouth.  In the experience.

A couple of months ago, on my 40th birthday no less, I woke up in horrible pain. I cried because it hurt so badly.  And maybe a little because I had been awake in pain most of the night. Ibuprofen was not TOUCHING this pain, friend. 

So on my birthday, I spent a few hours dealing with dental issues and visiting a strange dental office because my dentist was out of the office recovering from his own surgery.
The dental visits on that day revealed a serious infection under my gum and tooth; after I did a round of antibiotics to clear the infection I needed a root canal.

Fast forward about 6 weeks and 3 more dental appointments, and the list of dental needs has grown:
  • the root canal tooth needs a crown  - like, yesterday.
  • My dentist won't do the crown until I have my wisdom teeth CUT out {I've procrastinated on this for 2 years}.
  • Once my wisdom teeth have been removed, I need to wait a few weeks for the shifting that will occur with all the teeth in my mouth before getting the crown.
  • a temporary crown is not an option for me
  • I'm still procrastinating on scheduling all of this 
So,  my mouth is a mess - pretty much like the rest of me right now.  It's probably psychosomatic but I'm telling you, my mouth and jaws hurt ALL.THE.TIME.

I've mentioned before that I feel like I've lost my voice - the figurative one.  The one I use for writing and communicating beyond the necessary day to day talking.
I've drafted several posts in the last few months that I just can't seem to complete in order to publish and share them. Paragraphs without endings, posts with no connecting words or finishing thoughts, odd ramblings that I couldn't seem to make sense of, much less help someone else make sense of.

A week or so ago, I nearly lost my voice, literally, due to a cough and cold. That seems like a big hint from God that he wants me to shut my mouth, right?

As these "mouth issues" continued to pile up, I prayed,

"Lord, are you trying to tell me something? WHAT are you trying to tell me? Do I need to shut my mouth? Am I not using my 'voice' the way you want me to?"

I'm really not sure of the answer, but I will hesitantly say this.
These past few months of crazy hard stuff have brought me poems and lyrics {songs? I don't know} from out of nowhere.  Most of them I can't even write down quickly enough when they come to mind.  Some spill out easily, others I have to revisit and edit later.  Some I think are pretty good looking back on them, others I'm not so crazy about.

It's a little frustrating because I think some of them would actually make great songs, but I don't write music so all I have are lyrics.  What do I do with those alone? I don't play an instrument so I literally have NO WAY to craft these words into songs.

Maybe it's another way God wants me to use my voice.  At this point, I'm still not sure.

As much as I hate not having answers, I think I may just be in a season of questioning. 
I can't say I'm ok with that, but I'm learning to live in it.  I think part of life is learning to just BE where you are, when you are.  
That may sound confusing, but in today's world so many people do not know how to just be present and grateful.  Regrettably, I'm one of those people.

So instead of using my mouth to question God aloud or do much talking of any sort, really, I'm asking questions through prayer.  
I'm using my fingers again to share my jumbled thoughts here {it seriously feels so good to type!}. 
I'm trusting that He who works all things together for my good is refining me into someone new and that He will tell me how He wants me to use my voice.  

With or without my mouth.


1 comment:

  1. I really admire people like you who have courage to speak out their problems in public forum so many other people can think differently about their life as well...May god bless you always..:)