I am struggling so much right now with feeling like the biggest fraud that's ever walked the face of the earth.
In this season that I'm in, I am constantly overwhelmed with the need to talk to someone - anyone - who will listen about some upcoming changes that are coming to my life. By default, these changes will be also be bringing changes to a lot of people in my life. I
think know some of them aren't going to like change very much.
The hardest part of my current journey with God is that I have to keep my mouth shut.
During the summer of hard prayer, He asked me to make a tough decision.
Few times in my life, have I had to make such a decision. One that it so incredibly hard, so incredibly painful, and so full of letting go of something I just don't want to let go of.
Yet, at the same time, I have a peace about this decision that I've never known before.
He asked me to give up - let go - of something I love. I am grappling with the disappointment to myself and the disappointment I anticipate from others.
He asked me to trust Him - His timing, His way, that this would work for my good and His glory.
He asked me to be patient.
AND he asked me to keep it to myself for now. I even thought I had a timeline figured out and He said, "wait a little longer."
Sometimes I wonder if there is anything else He can ask of me, and then I quickly remind myself there certainly is!
And somewhere within me, there is the ability to carry out His plan for my life and this situation, because I firmly believe He wouldn't ask me if I wasn't able.
I know that I can do it, but some days it just feels impossible.
Especially in light of my quest the past few years to become more transparent, open, and real with the people in my life. Hiding anything or keeping anything secret just feels like 3 steps backwards.
I know it's necessary, but that doesn't make it easy.
I've been in a rather appropriate bible study this Fall - Lysa Terkeurst's "The Best Yes." It has been really helpful throughout this process and so I keep going back to certain passages and quotes.
If you've never read the book, check it out. It's an easy read and her writing style makes you want to not put it down until you finish.
As difficult as this time in my life is, it reminds me why I need grace so much and that I should readily give grace to others for the same reasons. It also helps me remember to give myself grace.
I have to say, I can't see the BIG picture yet. I do have confidence, however, that what He's going to do in my life is working for my good. If you've never had the opportunity to experience this journey, I really hope you do.
I'll warn you that it's hard, but even along the way, I can already see it's worth it.
Nothing - no problem, person, or period of struggle - is bigger than my God.