{UNLIKED}

It’s an unfortunate part of life - not everyone is going to like you.

In second grade, I thought I was pretty popular.

I had a lot of friends – a large group of girls who I “hung out” with at recess, ate lunch with, and sat near in the classroom. 

Once a day I left my regular room to go to the A.G. (academically gifted) room for a few subjects.

Who knows how long "it" had been going on?

I discovered it one day after school as I was doing my homework.

Words like, “you’re ugly,” and “you eat your boogers;” only she spelled it “your ugly” and “you eat your baggers.”

I knew immediately who'd written on my brand new spiral notebook.

I was so proud of that notebook!

I’d just purchased it from the school store; it had 3 sections, instead of 1 like the skinny composition books.  It had cool dividers with pockets on both the dividers and the covers.  It was a “big kid” notebook and I thought I was hot stuff!

I’d been having trouble with the new girl for a little while.  {I’ll call her Tanya* for the purpose of telling this story.} She was fond of veiling insults as jokes and I was quite often the butt.  I always laughed with everyone else and tried not to let it bother me. 

It was rather confusing really; I honestly wasn’t sure if she liked me or not, but I got the impression it was NOT.

Yes, we were only in second grade.

I must’ve told my Mom some of this, because after discovering the notebook “decorations,” she promptly called my teacher.

Though I don’t remember the details of her conversation, I did sit beside her in the recliner as she talked.  Even now, I‘m a little surprised; my Mom and Dad weren’t into fighting our battles for us when we were kids {a practice I’ve tried to continue with my own kids}.  This was about 32 years ago, so I’m sure you can imagine it was a different time.  There were none of the “participation trophies,” and “everyone wins” mantras of today’s childhoods.  There also weren’t outraged parents lining up at the school every time their kid got punished.

Whatever Mom said, my teacher got the message that the bullying was not ok. The next day, the teacher called Tanya into the hallway.   

A little later, she called me and then made Tanya apologize.  

I’ve never felt so bad – so low.  Tanya was crying and her whole face was red. I felt terrible for getting her in trouble! The hypersensitive aspect of my personality often made me extremely compassionate towards hurting people – even if they were hurting because they hurt me first.

I guess I can’t know if Tanya was really sorry for what she did or sorry she got caught. But from that day on, until her family moved again, we were friends. She even attended my 10^th birthday sleepover and that was a small group of girls.

This taught me at an early age, that sometimes you can be a nice as possible and people will still not like you. 

A few weeks ago, at the age of 40, I had a similar experience; it still baffles me, honestly.

I was dropping my daughter off at dance and had to ask a few questions.  I needed help from the lady at the front desk.

I wasn’t complaining and I ALWAYS, ALWAYS say thank you {sometimes more than once} to her every. single. time. she helps me with anything, no matter how small.

Apparently, I should’ve asked someone else for help with this particular request, but I honestly didn’t know that.

I was there to drop my daughter off for class.  Since I needed help with this other issue, I was in the lobby for several minutes – I’d say at least 10.

She had 10 minutes to let me know that Sweetpea’s class had been cancelled. 

 But she didn’t.

So I left my daughter there and went grocery shopping with my son, thinking I had 2 hours before she needed to be picked up.

A little while later, when I was completely across town, I got a call from my daughter to come back and get her. For some reason, I missed her call and got a voicemail instead.

When I called back, a second employee answered the phone.  She told me the class had been cancelled, a notice had gone out, and apparently I was the only one who didn’t get the memo.

This is a good time for me to say this: there is a serious communication issue at this business.  It’s been an issue for all of the 6 years we’ve done business with them.  They say it’s a certain email host that’s the problem, but my husband added his work email address to the list last year {totally different host} and he doesn’t get emails either.  Sometimes they come to my inbox DAYS after they are sent.

They recently started using an online message board system, which also doesn’t work, at least not without lots of finagling on my part. I get emails with a subject line letting me know about an addition to the class calendar and the body of the email is totally blank.   I sign in to the message board, search all the tabs and still can't see any changes.

Y’all? I am not technologically challenged! I've used all of these systems plus some for many years now.

Can I explain why everyone else got the notification and I didn’t? No I can’t.  I can say that now, I’ve downloaded the app for the site {which still doesn’t send me notifications} and I have gotten in the habit of manually checking the message board at least once a week so I don’t miss anything.  Isn’t technology supposed to make life easier??!!

So when I called back and a second staff person answered the phone, I was more than a little frustrated.   Unfortunately, my iPhone has a speaker issue that keeps me from holding a “normal” conversation on it. I can’t hear through the regular ear speaker – it crackles and the person on the other end sounds light-years away.  I have to use speakerphone or ear-buds but in my panic to call back, I just dialed  - no ear-buds. I didn’t want to talk on speakerphone in the grocery store, so I struggled through a regular conversation and, of course, 

couldn’t hear very well.

Even in my frustrated state, I do think I remained calm and was very polite.  I explained that I wasn’t nearby and that I would be back to get my daughter as soon as possible.

I’m guessing she got the impression that I was mad.  I really truly wasn’t, just frustrated; plus, I couldn’t hear her very well.

Anyway, a few minutes later my daughter was about to round the corner when she heard the two employees talking.

#1: “yeah, well, Sweetpea’s mom isn’t very nice…”

#2: “she can complain all she wants about not getting emails, but…”

#1 “WE aren’t going to do anything about it.”

When I picked up my daughter, employee #2 apologized to me in a sugar sweet voice about the mix-up. I thanked her and we were on our way.

We got in the car and Sweetpea says, “I don’t think she’s very sorry!”

I turned around and saw my sweet 12-year-old girl red in the face and looking more angry than I’d seen her in a long time – maybe, ever.

That’s when she recounted the entire ordeal to me. I kept checking her face in the rearview mirror on the drive home - boy was she mad!

Which was worse? The confirmation that they didn’t like me?  Or the fact that my pre-teen daughter had to be the one to overhear it? I can’t say really.

In hindsight, it was the “perfect storm” of events that cause conflicts. I later found out another employee had gotten her dates confused and not shown up for work that day. Employee #1 had to stay in her place.  I’m sure she was already having a not-so-great day before I got there with my list of questions and "needs." 

The upside was the conversation opportunities I had with Sweetpea.  I truly was able to find some positives in the situation and use it as a learning experience for both of us.

  

It was also very timely when, just a few days later, I received an invitation to participate in a new book launch for Lysa TerKeurst.

It’s called Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely.

One advantage of being on the launch team was access to the first 5 chapters before it was available to most people.  So far, I LOVE it!

There are so many great takeaways from the book and, really, they apply to everyone.

We’ve all been there…feeling rejected…lonely… unliked…uninvited…unwelcome; haven’t we?

Lysa gives practical advise for keeping perspective in the moments when it can be so difficult.

The book is officially available this coming Tuesday August 9^th, but I would bet you can still get it on pre-order status and it will ship immediately.  I actually received mine yesterday.

If you like the book or any of the ideas in it, share it with a friend!  

Learning to live like the loved child of God we are is a valuable tool in a world that can be cruel.

Fear of the burn...

Have you ever watched a movie drowning scene? 
What did you notice about it? 
If you've seen more than one, how were they alike or different?

A few scenes come to mind for me & here's what I've noticed...

Some characters are living joyfully, when something goes wrong. They may be enjoying the maiden voyage of the greatest ship ever built.  They may be at camp with other teens, swimming & playing in the water.  
Alternatively, they may be struggling; perhaps trying to steer a ship through a terrible storm, believing that, against all odds, they will prevail & return home to their families.  Perhaps even mourning the loss of a loved one & attempting to "join" them.

In many movie drownings, the victim's loved ones flash before through their mind.  They may even attempt to send mental messages of love to those friends or family members.  
Similarly, scenes from his or her life may come to mind.  Joyous times; fond memories; friends they haven't seen in 20 years; even regrets are things they reflect on as they realize they may be dying.
In some cases, the person drowning may panic; thrash around as they realize they can't breathe.  In others, they quickly accept their fate & peacefully wait to lose consciousness. 

In the past few months, I've come to realize that grief can be like drowning above the surface. 
One moment I'm moving through life & everything seems fine; the next, I'm gasping for air & kicking for the surface. 
I may panic & struggle trying to figure out what happened & how I got there.  "Where did this speeding bullet come from & why did it hit me now?" It's like the perfect storm of emotions hitting me at once.

Some days, I accept it as necessary & peacefully let tears roll.  Maybe a song reminds me of the loss of my Father in Law.  Perhaps a story reflects the relationship he had with my kids & husband.  

Sometimes, it might be my own regrets.  The last time I saw him, he was so tired & frail.  I spoke to him, but barely.
I was uncomfortable & didn't know what to say.  I wanted to be hopeful - for all of us - that we'd get through it.  That though we were traveling a bumpy road, we would eventually make it - through healing. 
I know my Father-in-Law was healed, just not in a way that he could stay here with us.

Had I known it would be my last opportunity to talk to him, I like to think I'd have chosen differently.

When I was 8 or 9, our family was visiting relatives at Lake Gaston.  Three of my uncles had second homes there & boating, skiing, tubing, & other water activities were available to entertain us for hours. We spent time there regularly throughout my childhood.

On this day, I was afraid of the water.
In fact, I can't remember a time in my life when I've felt confident jumping in & splashing around like most kids.

I was standing near the end of the pier & my Dad was trying to coax me into the water.  He stood in the water, showing me how deep it was (or wasn't).  He held his arms up & told me repeatedly he'd catch me.  I just had to jump.

I can't say how many times I took a step or two but could never actually leave the pier.  I may have even said, "ok, I'm gonna do it this time" - MANY times. 
I think Dad may have said, "come on! Don't you trust me?"
Eventually, the frustration was too much for my younger brother so he just pushed me off, surprising all of us.
Even though Dad was standing there, somewhat ready, it happened so fast that I plummeted right through his arms.  He reached down & grabbed me, pulling me up as soon as he could, but not before I swallowed quite a bit of water.

I can remember the feeling so well: my heart skipped a beat & thumped hard from the fall; there was burning in my nose & lungs from taking in water; the terrible coughing that results from trying to regain normal breathing after that.  
I can recall a slight feeling of relief that I was alright.  That my Dad picked me up & got me out of the water.
But the burning! Oh it hurt!
And because of the burning - my current state of pain & fear - I couldn't appreciate that I was really ok.

That memory seems a good metaphor for life lately.
My difficulties aren't just because my Father-in-Law passed away, but I think that event has scared me from "jumping off" again.  
It's made me fearful of losing someone else I love, & I worry about that more than I have in quite some time.

Coupled with giving up my long-standing Pampered Chef business & a few other "small losses," losing a family member has put me in a position to question who I am & what I do...what I should do...what I'm "good' at...what I was created for.

I believe God created me for a specific purpose (just as He did everyone).
I even think I know what it is.

But every time I think I'm ready to jump in...move forward...I chicken out.  


I know that I'm safe.  That, even if I fall, my Father will catch me & lift me up again.  I hear Him saying, "Come on! Don't you trust me?"
Yet, I just can't seem to move forward.  Or, worse, I take 2 steps forward & 3 back.

I tell myself, "just do it!"

I know that trials & failures foster perseverance & perseverance enhances character {Rom 5: 3-4}.   I know that even if I fall in & swallow water instead of bobbing back up to the surface, my Father will pull me out of the water & I will be ok.

But it's that burn - the fear of the burn - that makes movement & trust so hard.

If you've been there, fearing the burn & refusing to move forward, rest assured you are not alone.  

I'm realizing that ALL things work together for my good.  ALL things includes grief, suffering, & sometimes fear.
I've learned that being "called according to His purpose," takes more than just desire.  "Experience" in this life comes best the same way learning does; we learn more from our mistakes than when we "get it right."
I'm still learning that head knowledge & heart knowledge are separated by a chasm as wide {or wider} than the Grand Canyon.  That as much as I know, that I know, that I know that God's purpose is for my ultimate good, my fear can still keep me paralyzed. 

When I find myself gazing out over that canyon between my head & heart, I turn to verses like these; I hope you'll find them helpful as well.

{When you don't know what it all means...}

There's something wrong with my mouth.

Well, actually, there are several somethings wrong with my mouth.  I'm really trying to figure out if God is trying to tell me something about my mouth.

Maybe there's a life lesson in there somewhere?

Not in my mouth.  In the experience.

A couple of months ago, on my 40th birthday no less, I woke up in horrible pain. I cried because it hurt so badly.  And maybe a little because I had been awake in pain most of the night. Ibuprofen was not TOUCHING this pain, friend. 

So on my birthday, I spent a few hours dealing with dental issues and visiting a strange dental office because my dentist was out of the office recovering from his own surgery.
The dental visits on that day revealed a serious infection under my gum and tooth; after I did a round of antibiotics to clear the infection I needed a root canal.

Fast forward about 6 weeks and 3 more dental appointments, and the list of dental needs has grown:

• the root canal tooth needs a crown  - like, yesterday.

• My dentist won't do the crown until I have my wisdom teeth CUT out {I've procrastinated on this for 2 years}.

• Once my wisdom teeth have been removed, I need to wait a few weeks for the shifting that will occur with all the teeth in my mouth before getting the crown.

• a temporary crown is not an option for me

• I'm still procrastinating on scheduling all of this 

So,  my mouth is a mess - pretty much like the rest of me right now.  It's probably psychosomatic but I'm telling you, my mouth and jaws hurt ALL.THE.TIME.

I've mentioned before that I feel like I've lost my voice - the figurative one.  The one I use for writing and communicating beyond the necessary day to day talking.
I've drafted several posts in the last few months that I just can't seem to complete in order to publish and share them. Paragraphs without endings, posts with no connecting words or finishing thoughts, odd ramblings that I couldn't seem to make sense of, much less help someone else make sense of.

A week or so ago, I nearly lost my voice, literally, due to a cough and cold. That seems like a big hint from God that he wants me to shut my mouth, right?

As these "mouth issues" continued to pile up, I prayed,

"Lord, are you trying to tell me something? WHAT are you trying to tell me? Do I need to shut my mouth? Am I not using my 'voice' the way you want me to?"

I'm really not sure of the answer, but I will hesitantly say this.
These past few months of crazy hard stuff have brought me poems and lyrics {songs? I don't know} from out of nowhere.  Most of them I can't even write down quickly enough when they come to mind.  Some spill out easily, others I have to revisit and edit later.  Some I think are pretty good looking back on them, others I'm not so crazy about.

It's a little frustrating because I think some of them would actually make great songs, but I don't write music so all I have are lyrics.  What do I do with those alone? I don't play an instrument so I literally have NO WAY to craft these words into songs.

Maybe it's another way God wants me to use my voice.  At this point, I'm still not sure.

As much as I hate not having answers, I think I may just be in a season of questioning. 
I can't say I'm ok with that, but I'm learning to live in it.  I think part of life is learning to just BE where you are, when you are.  
That may sound confusing, but in today's world so many people do not know how to just be present and grateful.  Regrettably, I'm one of those people.

So instead of using my mouth to question God aloud or do much talking of any sort, really, I'm asking questions through prayer.  
I'm using my fingers again to share my jumbled thoughts here {it seriously feels so good to type!}. 
I'm trusting that He who works all things together for my good is refining me into someone new and that He will tell me how He wants me to use my voice.  

With or without my mouth.

 

The Loss Months

In the past, I've made jokes about myself being an "overachiever" and how I don't do anything half-way.

I laugh just re-reading that statement.  It takes me back to the 2 months leading up to my wedding almost 16 years ago.  In that small span of time, I quit one job, started another {with all the training it required}, wrapped up all the loose ends of wedding planning, and then got married and went on a honeymoon. To say that I had an identity crisis a month or so down the road is the biggest of understatements!

Sometimes these things - the pile-ups of life - "just happen" and we could've chosen differently and prevented some of the stress.  Sometimes we could just choose to react differently to these things when they happen. And often, we don't have any control over them, which is what I've experienced over the last few months.  

A while back,  I made mention of a big decision I'd made, but that I had to wait to announce.  As hard as it was, after nearly 12 years, God told me to give up my Pampered Chef business.  

This was something I'd put my blood, sweat, and tears into for a long time.  I'd built it from the ground up.  I had over 2000 customers in my data base.  I constantly got compliments from hostesses and customers and I truly felt that I was good at that business.

In fact, one host said to me, "but you're so good!" when I told her that I was going to be resigning.

Many of my conversations have gone like that one these past few months.

Explaining to people over and over again why I made the decision I made and why there was NO other decision I could make.

How do you explain that to someone else? How do you explain that conviction? How do you explain that something you were once so passionate about, you are now passionate about releasing?

That ONE thing would've been hard enough.  It would have been a loss and would have required a period of mourning.

Just DAYS after I made this decision, I had only told my husband and kids, my parents, and my in-laws.  DAYS, not weeks or a month; just DAYS.  We were told that my Father-in-law had cancer.  Again.  The same cancer he'd had about 12 years ago.

It took a month or so of doctors appointments and second-opinions before chemo started.

He told his doctor that his grandkids - my kids - are what kept him going. 

But less than four short months after getting this diagnosis, my Father-in-law entered Heaven's gates.  A week and a half after Thanksgiving and two and half weeks before Christmas.

My husband and Mother-in-law were dealing with funeral plots and caskets. 

To say that the whole situation seems surreal is, again, an understatement.

I recently heard a prayer of praise shared at church.  A miracle healing of a young cancer patient. An answer to many prayers.

And I'm ashamed to admit it, but my first thought was, 

Why? Why, God? Why couldn't that be us?

Did we not pray hard enough? 

Why did my husband have to say goodbye to his Dad at such a young age?

Why did my kids lose their Papa so soon? Too soon?

Why did my Mother-in-law have to lose her husband?

Why did this happen to us?

And then the shock of "why am I questioning this?!"

I guess it's because I'm human and I can't help but wonder "WHY?"  If you ask some members of my family I've been asking that BIG little word since I could talk.  

WHY?

Do I believe that God's plan and His timing are perfect? 

Yes

Do I believe that He has a purpose for all things?

Yes

Do I believe that He will help us all get through this?

Yes

But...

I still wonder why.  Not just why he died.  Not just why now? But so many "Whys," really...

I've prayed, questioned, searched, and struggled to figure out why things had to happen this way.  

Why all at once, God?

Why me?

What is this supposed to teach me? 

What do I do with this? How can I use this pain and this mourning to glorify you? 

Is that even what I'm supposed to do? 

I'm not sure unsettling is a strong enough word for what I'm trying to describe but it's the only one that comes.  

The only one that comes to mind to depict the paradox between knowing so strongly that I was supposed to surrender my Pampered Chef business and now feeling like I don't know anything.  I felt so strong in my faith during my prayers and decision to resign.  

Now I feel so shaky in my faith.

Not because I believe any less.  Maybe it's because I fear what's coming next? Maybe I'm afraid of what else He may ask me to give up?  

After the big losses of these last few months, I am just spent.  I feel as if I don't have anything else to give up and I am certainly feeling that identity crisis I felt as a newly-wed all over again.

I read another blog today that was very helpful; the post was titled When God Says No. Not only was the content spot on for my life situation right now, but she references Daniel and his three friends thrown into the fiery furnace.  I'm currently leading a small group Bible Study on the book of Daniel.

Coincidence? 

I think not.

And though it doesn't tie things up in pretty little bows for me and answer all my questions, it reminds me that questioning God isn't bad.  It doesn't have to be irreverent or disrespectful.

God desires to have a relationship with us.  A relationship between a loving Father and a child.  A Father who doesn't want us to hurt but knows sometimes it's for our greater good when we do.  A Father who loves us no less when we question than when we lift our hands and praise Him.

Here's my favorite line from "When God Says No:"

We dared pray the scariest prayer, that His will would be done, and it has been. While He may not have answered every prayer in the way we asked, our faith is not dependent upon how God works or responds to our requests. Our faith is in Who God is.

My faith is not dependent on my current situation.  It's not dependent on my asking "WHY?" one more time.  

My Faith - My Trust - are in the One who knows the number of hairs on my head.  The One who knew me while I was still in my mother's womb.

The One who's love can withstand my "Why's" for as long as they come.  

And I feel they may continue to come for awhile.

But I trust the journey will not be in vain and in spite of me, He will be glorified.