Monday, February 21, 2011

Down (Low) but Not Out...

I'm Down...
not necessarily like "depressed" but just feeling down.  Like every time I get up again, something else comes along to knock me over or trip me and make me fall...seems like I'm spending an awful lot of time on the ground these days! Today it occurred to me that maybe I'm not using my time on the ground very wisely...perhaps I should be on my knees? Praying...thanking God for the things I have, the family I have, the friends I have (be they few- LOL)...

Maybe it's the winter that will not seem to end this year!  Some member of my household has been sick since the end of September.  I am so sick of being sick or taking care of someone who is sick...countless trips to the doctor, only to hear, "it's viral; we'll have to let it run it's course!" How many different viruses can the same two kids get in one season???

Maybe it's because I just don't feel good...not physically, emotionally, spiritually...not bad really, just not good either.  I'm a little disappointed in myself, I guess.  I haven't really taken good care of myself and it's starting to show more than usual.

Maybe it's some "friend" and "frenemy" issues that I've had lately.  I just feel like I've been disappointed a lot lately and maybe I did that to myself.  Maybe I set an unfair expectation of myself and of these other people.

I have never been the girl who had a million girlfriends.  The one who could pick up the phone and dial until she got someone ANYONE to pick up and talk her through the current crisis.  I have always had just one or two close friends, confidants, and a small group of acquaintances.  The older I get, the more I think I know why...for some reason, I am so guarded.  It is really difficult for me to be vulnerable and open up to people.  Why is that? I'm really not sure, but I have some theories.

Theory number one:
I started getting picked on by other girls in preschool because I was meek and wouldn't fight back.  They would pull my hair and take toys right out of my hands, and while I might cry, I never retaliated. I learned early not to trust other girls or get too close because they might not be what they seemed...

Theory number two:
I truly have a good heart! I want to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt, no matter how stupid that is or how many times before they have hurt me.  I just want to believe that good always wins :-)

Theory number 3:
I learned it from the women in my life growing up.  I don't want to believe this is the most logical theory, but since I am such a practical person, I have to admit it to myself.  I can't pinpoint specific actions or words from Mama, Grandma, or Aunts but there are definitely behaviors from all of them that might feed in to this.  My biggest concern as a Mom has always been that I would pass along self-esteem issues to my daughter.  I am desperately trying to heal myself before Sweetpea enters the tween years and life gets more difficult.

So while I am "down" I am not out! I am sort of digging around in the mud...trying to find some answers and figure out how to pull myself out of this hole.  My thought is that while it may be difficult and uncomfortable at times, in the end, it will be therapeutic and produce good results.

One thing I have decided to do is a gratitude journal of sorts.  Every post, I will work in a gratitude portion.  Maybe a story about a relationship or a sentiment for all I have both tangible and intangible.
I invite you to join me! Post your gratitudes in my comments section or post a link to your post on your own blog.

I would love to give and receive some gratitude and inspiration among friends!

1 comment:

  1. I am grateful to have found a friend in you, L. I know we've only just met and are getting to know each other but you lift my spirits every time you send me a message. Thanks for taking the time to do that for me!