Friday, August 12, 2011

I can't believe I'm asking for this...

...but can someone please knock some sense into me?

(and yes, the all caps and extra punctuation are to show you just how adamant I am!)

I've been having a lot of days lately where I just want to pick myself up by the shoulders and shake me, all the while yelling, "what is your problem?!"

I'm so frustrated with myself, I don't blame people for not wanting to talk to me or be around me - heck! I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME!

I really think if I didn't have to get up and function for the kids everyday, I just wouldn't .  I would stay in bed, cover my head with the sheet and quilt and hide.

What really stinks is, I think I'm hiding from me.  I don't like how I've been acting to myself or to my family.  There is a Bible Verse I keep remembering...Luke 6:45b...for out of the heart, the mouth speaks (paraphrased from NKJV).  And I honestly find myself wondering how ugly my heart must be, based on my temper and the things I scream, yell, say.

I realize what it boils down to.  I'm not happy.  I'm disappointed with myself.  I'm scared...
...of disappointing others...of just about everything.
I'm scared to "put myself out there;" I'm scared to make a mistake; I'm scared to be right; I'm scared I don't have all the answers (and obviously I don't); I'm scared of making a wrong choice that will adversely affect my kids or my husband...

the list could go on and on...

I also have some issues that go back to childhood that I've never dealt with.

Most days, I just really don't even know where to begin.  The feeling of dread that assaults me before the day even starts, is just hugely overwhelming.

I'm not a pessimistic person.  I've never been the eternal optimist either; just realistic...a good balance.

So many people say happiness is a choice..."choose joy."  It doesn't feel like an easy choice.  I want to be happy, I want to experience joy; I really do! I mean, who wants to be unhappy all the time?

I just can't seem to do one single thing without berating myself!
I wrote about this before; I can't even attend a wedding without making it about me.  I just feel so guilty and so overridden with feelings of inadequacy.  I'm not the wife I promised I would be.  I'm certainly not honoring and cherishing my husband with my words or actions.
When I work at home, I worry about neglecting my kids.  When I stop working to play with the kids or take them somewhere fun, I think about "what I should be doing" the whole time.

My mind is definitely one of my worst enemies.  I have a great memory that is totally a gift from God.  I'm always had it and rarely does it fail me.  But it's a blessing and, sometimes, a curse.  I remember every unintelligent choice I've ever made...every word I've ever uttered in haste...every friend whose feelings I ever of whom I never had the chance to apologize to before she was unexpectedly gone from this world.

And for some reason, I've been thinking about her a lot lately.  I had a friend in middle school all the way through senior year...I'll call her Anna for the purpose of this post.  Anna was a very sweet person - almost too sweet.  Senior year, she started to grate my nerves a little; when she asked if I wanted to room together in college, I fed her a lie and it all but ruined our friendship.
Just a few weeks before graduation, she was killed in a car accident and I never had the chance to make things right. It has just dawned on me this past week, how guilty I feel about what I did when I lied to her.  I have been telling myself over and over again, that I am not responsible for her death.  That's a no-brainer, obviously, because I was nowhere near her one car accident.  The thing is, only a person who feels really guilty has to tell herself she's not.

With Anna and a lot of other things in my life, I haven't forgiven myself, and I'm not sure I know how.
I wrote about being proud of myself and how difficult it can be to admit and accept.  I now think, forgiving myself may be harder.

I've really gotta work on this...
I can't be a coach to my team-members or an example to my kids in the condition I'm in now.

I think I'll start by going to bed!
Thanks for listening and I promise to get Debby Downer out of my head sooner, rather than later!

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