...but can someone please knock some sense into me?
I. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. MY. PROBLEM. IS!!!!
(and yes, the all caps and extra punctuation are to show you just how adamant I am!)
I've been having a lot of days lately where I just want to pick myself up by the shoulders and shake me, all the while yelling, "what is your problem?!"
I'm so frustrated with myself, I don't blame people for not wanting to talk to me or be around me - heck! I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME!
I really think if I didn't have to get up and function for the kids everyday, I just wouldn't . I would stay in bed, cover my head with the sheet and quilt and hide.
What really stinks is, I think I'm hiding from me. I don't like how I've been acting to myself or to my family. There is a Bible Verse I keep remembering...Luke 6:45b...for out of the heart, the mouth speaks (paraphrased from NKJV). And I honestly find myself wondering how ugly my heart must be, based on my temper and the things Iscream, yell, say.
I realize what it boils down to. I'm not happy. I'm disappointed with myself. I'm scared...
...of disappointing others...of just about everything.
I'm scared to "put myself out there;" I'm scared to make a mistake; I'm scared to be right; I'm scared I don't have all the answers (and obviously I don't); I'm scared of making a wrong choice that will adversely affect my kids or my husband...
the list could go on and on...
I also have some issues that go back to childhood that I've never dealt with.
Most days, I just really don't even know where to begin. The feeling of dread that assaults me before the day even starts, is just hugely overwhelming.
I'm not a pessimistic person. I've never been the eternal optimist either; just realistic...a good balance.
So many people say happiness is a choice..."choose joy." It doesn't feel like an easy choice. I want to be happy, I want to experience joy; I really do! I mean, who wants to be unhappy all the time?
I just can't seem to do one single thing without berating myself!
I wrote about this before; I can't even attend a wedding without making it about me. I just feel so guilty and so overridden with feelings of inadequacy. I'm not the wife I promised I would be. I'm certainly not honoring and cherishing my husband with my words or actions.
When I work at home, I worry about neglecting my kids. When I stop working to play with the kids or take them somewhere fun, I think about "what I should be doing" the whole time.
My mind is definitely one of my worst enemies. I have a great memory that is totally a gift from God. I'm always had it and rarely does it fail me. But it's a blessing and, sometimes, a curse. I remember every unintelligent choice I've ever made...every word I've ever uttered in haste...every friend whose feelings I ever hurt...one of whom I never had the chance to apologize to before she was unexpectedly gone from this world.
And for some reason, I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I had a friend in middle school all the way through senior year...I'll call her Anna for the purpose of this post. Anna was a very sweet person - almost too sweet. Senior year, she started to grate my nerves a little; when she asked if I wanted to room together in college, I fed her a lie and it all but ruined our friendship.
Just a few weeks before graduation, she was killed in a car accident and I never had the chance to make things right. It has just dawned on me this past week, how guilty I feel about what I did when I lied to her. I have been telling myself over and over again, that I am not responsible for her death. That's a no-brainer, obviously, because I was nowhere near her one car accident. The thing is, only a person who feels really guilty has to tell herself she's not.
With Anna and a lot of other things in my life, I haven't forgiven myself, and I'm not sure I know how.
I wrote about being proud of myself and how difficult it can be to admit and accept. I now think, forgiving myself may be harder.
I've really gotta work on this...
I can't be a coach to my team-members or an example to my kids in the condition I'm in now.
I think I'll start by going to bed!
Thanks for listening and I promise to get Debby Downer out of my head sooner, rather than later!
I. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. MY. PROBLEM. IS!!!!
(and yes, the all caps and extra punctuation are to show you just how adamant I am!)
I've been having a lot of days lately where I just want to pick myself up by the shoulders and shake me, all the while yelling, "what is your problem?!"
I'm so frustrated with myself, I don't blame people for not wanting to talk to me or be around me - heck! I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME!
I really think if I didn't have to get up and function for the kids everyday, I just wouldn't . I would stay in bed, cover my head with the sheet and quilt and hide.
What really stinks is, I think I'm hiding from me. I don't like how I've been acting to myself or to my family. There is a Bible Verse I keep remembering...Luke 6:45b...for out of the heart, the mouth speaks (paraphrased from NKJV). And I honestly find myself wondering how ugly my heart must be, based on my temper and the things I
I realize what it boils down to. I'm not happy. I'm disappointed with myself. I'm scared...
...of disappointing others...of just about everything.
I'm scared to "put myself out there;" I'm scared to make a mistake; I'm scared to be right; I'm scared I don't have all the answers (and obviously I don't); I'm scared of making a wrong choice that will adversely affect my kids or my husband...
the list could go on and on...
I also have some issues that go back to childhood that I've never dealt with.
Most days, I just really don't even know where to begin. The feeling of dread that assaults me before the day even starts, is just hugely overwhelming.
I'm not a pessimistic person. I've never been the eternal optimist either; just realistic...a good balance.
So many people say happiness is a choice..."choose joy." It doesn't feel like an easy choice. I want to be happy, I want to experience joy; I really do! I mean, who wants to be unhappy all the time?
I just can't seem to do one single thing without berating myself!
I wrote about this before; I can't even attend a wedding without making it about me. I just feel so guilty and so overridden with feelings of inadequacy. I'm not the wife I promised I would be. I'm certainly not honoring and cherishing my husband with my words or actions.
When I work at home, I worry about neglecting my kids. When I stop working to play with the kids or take them somewhere fun, I think about "what I should be doing" the whole time.
My mind is definitely one of my worst enemies. I have a great memory that is totally a gift from God. I'm always had it and rarely does it fail me. But it's a blessing and, sometimes, a curse. I remember every unintelligent choice I've ever made...every word I've ever uttered in haste...every friend whose feelings I ever hurt...one of whom I never had the chance to apologize to before she was unexpectedly gone from this world.
And for some reason, I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I had a friend in middle school all the way through senior year...I'll call her Anna for the purpose of this post. Anna was a very sweet person - almost too sweet. Senior year, she started to grate my nerves a little; when she asked if I wanted to room together in college, I fed her a lie and it all but ruined our friendship.
Just a few weeks before graduation, she was killed in a car accident and I never had the chance to make things right. It has just dawned on me this past week, how guilty I feel about what I did when I lied to her. I have been telling myself over and over again, that I am not responsible for her death. That's a no-brainer, obviously, because I was nowhere near her one car accident. The thing is, only a person who feels really guilty has to tell herself she's not.
With Anna and a lot of other things in my life, I haven't forgiven myself, and I'm not sure I know how.
I wrote about being proud of myself and how difficult it can be to admit and accept. I now think, forgiving myself may be harder.
I've really gotta work on this...
I can't be a coach to my team-members or an example to my kids in the condition I'm in now.
I think I'll start by going to bed!
Thanks for listening and I promise to get Debby Downer out of my head sooner, rather than later!
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