Wednesday, May 11, 2011

not so warm and fuzzy...

So weddings are supposed to be inspirational, right?
All warm and fuzzy?
Is it terrible to say that lately weddings make me feel like crap?
It's terrible and it's selfish and I know both of those things, but I just can't move past it and not feel yucky.
I can't help remembering when me and my hubby were that happy.
When nothing else in the world mattered; no one could take that away from us no matter what.
Sometimes it was US against the world.

Then life happened; we've been married over 11 years, we've had 2 great kids.
But through the journey, we seem to have lost that passion for each other we had in the beginning. I have no doubt we still love each other.  BUT there's no time for US, unless we schedule it and pay a babysitter or convince the grandparents to take pity on us and keep the kids so we can go do something.  AND as silly as I know it is, I just can't see paying a babysitter more than it costs to go see a movie; it seems wasteful! If the point is to get out and do something  for the two of us, having to come home and pay a babysitter $40 or more is surely a buzz- kill!

But anyway, does anyone else feel that way? I mean, I am excited for the new couple at a wedding.  I rejoice with them in their new partnership and the vows they speak.
But I also feel convicted.
I promised those things too-11 years ago.
To love, honor, and obey.  To cherish, to take care of, in sickness and health and all that.
But have I done it?
Have I made my hubby feel honored?

I think I know the answer, and I know I don't like it.
I feel bad.
It feels bad to realize I have broken those promises.  That I've broken those promises because sometimes I wasn't even trying, much less trying my best.
There have been times when I've thrown a child-like tantrum...for child-like reasons like not getting my way.
I've expected him to know what I was feeling and respond in what I thought was the appropriate way.  When he didn't, he got the silent treatment - or worse, me running off at the mouth.  Spewing forth my opinions and criticisms in a way that should have made him walk away long ago.  

Maybe it's the recent news about Maria Shriver and Arnold (not even gonna try to spell that) separating.  It's depressing!
I mean they were married for 25 years; why separate now?  What could be so bad now that they can't handle it together?

Maybe it's that I'm getting older; my relationship with my parents is changing.  I never knew how hard it would be to watch your parents age, much less watch the process of one of them getting seriously ill.
I'm not sure I'm ready to be a care-taker to either of my parents. Not that it's upon me at this very second, but the thought is; there in the back of my mind.  The questions: can I handle it when I do have to do it?
I don't live in the same city with my parents; how will that affect things? I never want to see my parents in any kind of home where someone else is responsible for taking care of them.

Who knows?
On a related note, maybe I started off last weekend's wedding event in the wrong mind-set.  I had a terrible time finding something to wear.  When it came down to it, I only have one dress in my closet that fits and I didn't really want to wear it.
I bought it last year and loved it; thought I looked pretty good in it even. Then I wore it to a conference where someone happened to snap a picture of my in it. I looked like a giant blue blob! I remember now why I don't wear sleeveless shirts or dresses, spaghetti straps, cap sleeves, or anything else with super short or non-existent sleeves.
But alas, I HAD to wear it to this wedding on Saturday.
I felt like an embarrassment - to myself, to my husband (whose co-workers were getting married and many more were guests at the wedding), to my children,  To MYSELF.
Even taking my pregnancies out of the equation, I am not now at my heaviest, but I'm close.  PLUS, after having two kids, the amount I weigh now LOOKS HEAVIER than the last time I weighed this amount. Everything shifts downward I guess, and it means I have to wear a size or two larger than I did the last time I weighed this much.
What really stinks is I've already lost 10 or 15 pounds in the last 3 months (I'm not much for scales, so I know I lost at least 10 and maybe more), but no one has noticed.  AND I still have at least 40 pounds to go to be at a healthy weight for my height. Realistically, I should probably lose 50 or more.
I need to do something and I need to do it now.  I need to lose a significant amount of weight (preferably very noticeable amounts in the next 2 months) in a healthy way.
I have already significantly reduced how much I eat by simply slowing down and waiting 10 minutes after I eat to determine if I am full or really need to eat any more.  My initial servings / plates of food are about the size of my fist.  And it really is enough if you eat slowly enough for your body to realize it's been fed.

I did do some weightlifting with my arms on Tuesday, then went and walked 2 miles.
But I just can't see myself ever being one of those people who works out everyday, much less for an hour or more everyday.  I just can't.  Honestly, I don't know how anyone has time for that!
My plate is full! I always go to bed with things undone, but still it's late when I get there!

So anyway, that's my rant for the day.  I was hoping it would help me feel better to get it off my chest...guess the jury is still out on that one.
And that, was my not so warm and fuzzy weekend :-(
I'm just a big fat ray of sunshine aren't I?

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Leslie! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too, have felt like my marriage has turned into more of a roommate relationship than anything passionate. But it's the comfort of knowing that he'll still be there for me (and I for him) when the lull is over and we have time to really devote to one another again. In the mean time, we try to take advantage of even small moments together - and hour here, 30 minutes there. And we DO pay a babysitter big bucks to watch our kids. It's the only way to make a date happen! As for your weight, just keep going and remember that the journey is long. It's not a race and no one gets a gold star for finishing first or on time, even. Just do your thing on your own pace. You'll make it.

    Hang in there!