Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Day 31: {31 Days of Grace}: Delaying the Inevitable...

I am one heck of a procrastinator!
I have been posting to this blog in my head every day since I last wrote and published.

In my head, I've said all sorts of witty things and shared with you insights from this 31 Days journey (that has really been more like 60).

I re-read many of my 30 previous posts and I did learn some things:

1.) I can't finish my story in one more post :-)

2.) I still haven't quite gotten it through my thick head that God sees me as He will see me in Heaven - a glorious creation of His.  Not the repeating sinner, fleshly failure that I am.  I will continue to work on it...
Eph 1:17
I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better.


3.) It is helpful to look back on the written words and see the things I need to work on.  I see myself in situations that would have gone much differently had I relied totally on God and not on humans.  I guess I'm not there yet either...

4.) I also noticed that I started several stories or alluded to branch-offs of them and I never came back to finish them.

One such time was on Day 23:

Unfortunately, this was the start of a long road with him and my parents, but I'll get to that later.
I do remember telling you my Dad gave me the option to NOT walk down the aisle right before I did! This was just the final attempt in a long string of attempts to get me to not marry E or at least postpone the wedding.
Somehow, my parents had gotten the idea that I was uncertain.  Looking back, I don't remember it being that way at all; I think most things in life are better with questions.  After all, how strong can a relationship be if it can't get past questions like, " Am I sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him?"?

Another time was here, on Day 12, about Stephen...

If there is one thing I will always remember about Stephen, it's that he always made me feel special in a very genuine way.  It wasn't the flattery and showering of gifts like with Ryan; it wasn't the "you would be pretty if..." like John; it was always about owning who I was, good or bad.  Being proud of all the things that made me, me.  I would love to thank him for that, but for reasons I'll get to later, we don't speak anymore. 
Unfortunately, after E and I had been dating a few months, we ran into Stephen at a party one spring night.
He was getting ready to graduate and move out west somewhere.  It was good to see him and catch up and I didn't mind talking to him.  E didn't mind either - at first.
I think it was obvious to anyone with eyes, that I was hopelessly in love with E! Stephen could certainly see it and he probably had never seen me look that way - not even over John.
I'm not sure what came over Stephen (maybe he was drunk?) but he followed me around that party like a love-sick puppy dog.  It was weird because we'd never really had a strong relationship; I always knew it was a temporary thing and that we were better off as friends.
This did not sit well with E and he asked me after that night not to see Stephen again (easy to oblige since he really did move far away).
HOWEVER, a mutual friend brought up Stephen by email several years later when E and I had been married 5 or 6 years.  Completely by accident, E saw the email and just flipped out.  He couldn't believe I was even talking about Stephen! I guess he just worried that he could come back and be as stalker-like as he was at that college party.  After the history with John, can you blame him?

As crazy as it sounds, that episode with the email, almost broke up my marriage.  More due to how I handled it than what it was; I got defensive and didn't react well to him reading my email.  Even though I hadn't done anything "wrong" or had any ill intentions, my reaction made it seem as if I had.

In 16 years, it's the only time I've seen my husband cry and it was my fault.
It's a perfect example of needing to say you're sorry in order to fix things, even when you didn't commit the crime you've been accused of.

So that's it...the last of my 31st, 31 Days of Grace post.

I'm still not sure what I accomplished or if I accomplished what I intended.
I do think it was helpful and I will continue to do it.

So, while I don't know what the next series will be, I plan to continue some of the same story lines I started here.

Thanks for staying with me through this and please don't be a stranger going forward!

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