Sunday, April 28, 2013

Trying to {Be Still}

I stood by my bed folding towels tonight.

Twisting and pulling and trying to make all the corners match up perfectly (which they never do), before I would fold them in half and then in half again.

And this post, or something like it, has been bouncing around in my head for several days.

Y'all know I can think something to death, right?

I mean, I've told you that before - several times.

I've also mentioned before all the Gifts I think God gave me.  
I'm a firm believer in God giving us gifts because He expects us to use them - for His Glory no less.

But here's where I am right now:

the teenager who loved to sing, dance and act...

who tried out (and got into) every drama and musical event possible in high school and church youth group...

who taught arts and crafts to young kids in bible school more than one summer...

who used to sit in my swing outside my parents house writing songs and singing them out loud...

who made up dances and tried out for cheer teams...

That girl?

I'm not sure where or who she is right now.
My guess is, she's buried under all the layers of this 37 year old, wife, mother, and all-out-mess.

And I still love to sing.

I've been involved in our church choir for almost 9 months and we've only been attending for about 13.

I've sung one-on-one for the minister of music and taken her compliments.
I nodded when she said to prepare something else and work on it for a few weeks and meet with her again.

Only, I didn't do it.
I mean, I tried.  But this was back in February when there was still sickness running rampant.  By the time I recovered, life had run away from me and I was frantically trying to catch up.

And every Sunday, I sing with the choir at 9:30 am and then again at 11:00 am. I stand on the front row.
I sing my part and I do my best to blend (pretty easy with a soft voice).  

And every Wednesday, I show up to choir practice for 2 hours, ending at 9pm; making my Wednesday's "double-coffee" days because they are so long!

And more than once, I have asked myself, "how long will this be 'ok'?"
How long will I feel fulfilled just being part of the choir? Do I feel fulfilled now?

Is there actually room for me here? 
There is a TON of talent in our church.

What I failed to mention so far is this:
I love to sing, but it scares the life out of me! I can literally shake so hard I can't hold a microphone if I know I have to sing a solo.
"Auditioning" for the music minister was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time.

YET, I still feel compelled to do it.
And not only as I'm doing it now, but to take it further.

And I've thought on this for while.
I don't want to be fooled. I know I am not an amazing singer.

I enjoy it, yes.
But there are many others with much more talent than me.

I'm not keen on the spotlight, but I've asked myself more than once, "Am I doing this for the wrong reasons?"  I definitely want this to be about spreading His message through song and not about myself. 

I'm really trying not to be selfish.
Truth be told, I'm trying not to be human, because my fleshly response is not one I'm proud of.  

I've thought (more than once) if the music minister (MM) wanted to use me on the worship team or in some other capacity, why hasn't she followed up with me?

I realize I hold some responsibility too.
But who wants to feel like they're forcing themselves on someone else or into a group they weren't "invited" to?

So, I just keep asking God what He wants me to do with this?
Do I stay where I am and learn to be content?
Will it be then that some other opportunity comes along?
Or do I go to the M M and remind her that we need to make another appointment?

I sort of feel like one of those towels I was folding; being stretched and molded to fit a shape I don't quite fit into naturally. 

I'm not sure what to do. 

For now, I'm hoping and praying and listening for that STILL small voice to answer me.

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