Saturday, February 8, 2014

He IS Real and so is Forgiveness...

I'm a crier.  I'm not really sure exactly when that happened because if you ask my Mom, I was a super easy baby between birth and 2 .  I put myself on a sleep and eat schedule, was very easy to potty-train, didn't cry a lot, etc.  BUT at some point, she discovered {as did most everyone in my life} that I am Hyper-Sensitive.  It doesn't take much to hurt my feelings and generally that shows itself in the form of tears.  

I'm that crazy woman crying over a song on the radio or the Hallmark commercial or, heck, even a Kleenex commercial.  Toy Story 3 - makes me cry every time I watch it!

I cry when I'm happy, when I'm mad, when I'm sad.  It seems most of my emotions often involve tears.

But at some point in the fairly recent past, I've begun to hide that part of me.  Ironically, it's this same period of time that I've come the farthest in my quest for being real and authentic.  Somewhere in there, I told myself I was trying to balance being authentic without over-sharing.  
There's a fine line, y'all :-)

So last week, when I wrote "if God is real then why don't I live like it," I didn't know - couldn't know- about this song we'd be singing at church this week. It's not new to the choir members who have been around a few years, but it's new to me.
 I should've guessed. 
He always shows up to reinforce what He wants me to hear and learn. 
{Video contains images from The Passion of the Christ, so here is your warning that it can be a little graphic for some viewers :-)} 


And I didn't know - couldn't know- about the discussion we'd have in my Tuesday morning bible study group, that would lead me to Ezekiel 36:26-27 (corresponding image below).
But, again, I should have. 
It really is frustrating to walk around everyday with so much emotional baggage and shame for my many mistakes. KNOWING full well that I've asked for forgiveness & He's already forgotten and that I'm the one who just can't seem to let it go. 

I often wonder if it's because I became a Christian so young? I think somehow I thought I would be immune to the pull of sin & the ways of the world. 
Why did I think that? 
Clearly, it wasn't true. 
If anything, Satan delighted more in my screw ups because I thought I was   NEVER supposed to screw up. 

I do wonder WHY I can't seem to let myself off the hook? I'm beginning to think I need some sort of intervention or intense 12-step-program like for recovering addicts. 
Maybe I am addicted.  
Addicted to self shame? Is that a thing? 

If I go back and apologize to EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. I think I've wronged in some way in my life, will I feel better? I have a feeling many of them forgot - or at least forgave- long ago.  

So when I sing this song - a song that reminds me He paid my sin debt- He finds me "Not Guilty" - how on earth do I NOT completely fall apart? 
And how can I completely fall apart in the front row of the church choir on Sunday morning?  
MY answer is "I Can't." 
His answer remains to be seen. 

All I can do is sing more with my heart and less with my mouth. 
My hope is that even if I collapse in a messy puddle, it will in some way be for HIS Glory. 
Lord knows, I'll be mortified, but that's selfish of me & I long to be selfless. 

Self - less & Christ-more... 
I have a feeling the road from here to there is bumpy, but I'm buckling in and hanging on.

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