Wednesday, February 26, 2014

On Glancing Back but Moving Forward...

"Confession is good for the soul"
Isn't that what "they" say?

Now rest assured, I'm not about to unload a deep, dark secret on you! But I touched on something in my last post that has been on my mind ever since.

I described how a song made me feel when I sang it and I've mentioned many times that I cry easily.

I've somehow managed to hold myself together in front of my "newer" friends, especially at church.  There is definitely a FEAR attached to letting them see me cry.

I even got asked last Sunday after singing in the choir if I was ok.

And I said, "yep."

I said I was fine.

Not really a lie; not complete truth either.

Why do I do that?
Why do WE do that ('cause I know I'm not the only one)?

Somewhere along the way, I learned that when someone asks, "How are you?"

You respond with, "I'm fine; and you?"

A response which is built on assumptions:

  1. this person doesn't really care how I am; this is a custom - a nicety - a habit.  They don't really want to listen to HOW I am...tired, frustrated, upset with my kids, feeling insignificant...
  2. I can't really trust this person with the truth - MY truth.
  3. if I tell the truth and answer honestly, I'll be labeled an over-sharer or a downer. I've been accused many times of being an unhappy person. I'm a worrier, a thinker, an analyzer - but not generally unhappy.
  4. it's ok to lie because it's a little thing.   Not a good practice when you have "little people" watching your every move.  Learning from your actions as much as your words.
If we aren't living what we're teaching them, they won't respect us in the small matters, much less the big ones.

I've tried so hard to drop any and all facades.  To stop pretending. To be {REAL}.

I'm not quite there and I don't have all the answers.

Last week I used the word "NAKED" to describe to a friend how I feel standing front and center in the choir.  Trying to control my emotions with so many people watching.

This week, I've had several people comment, "like", "favorite", or simply tell me something about one of my blog posts.

And I feel naked.  And freaked out.

And a little like I want to delete every word I've ever typed here because they make me vulnerable.

But I will not.

I also said in my last post that I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe there is a reason and a purpose for everything.

Even the things I'm not so sure of.
The things that make me uncomfortable.

The mess I don't want to show...

I love this quote and pray He can turn my mess into something beneficial for someone else.  Not for my glory, but for His.

I believe He can!

No comments:

Post a Comment