Friday, February 8, 2013

Day 2: A step back instead of forward

In my effort to find grace, I am drowning in my own ability {or lack thereof} to give it.

I committed, I promised, to share 31 days of Grace and yet here I sit - not wanting to write or share a single word because of the ugliness that is really in me.

I am so afraid that as I read here today, someone will misinterpret my heart. Misunderstand me, judge me and thus deny me the very grace that I am so determined to receive and give.

And as I read another writer's eloquent words...
"...because it’s only in prayer that you find grace to help you when you need it most."  
 ...I am shushing my children in an unkind way.  The way that says, "how dare you make noise, when I am trying my best to find grace over here!?"

Ironic, isn't it?

And the immediate tears that fall when I realize what that shush meant and sounded like, cannot wash away the shame and desire to take back that which has already been spoken.

And so I search deeper and I find two things almost at once:

In my chasing of grace, I have forgotten the most important people in my life. They must be daily, maybe moment-by-moment, recipients of a grace gift from me.

And I, I have to go back in my past and ask some hard questions.  Figure out why WHO I was back then, is WHERE I am right now, and why HE brought me to this place. There are no accidents...

And I will; so stay tuned for day 3.  I ask only that you be kind in your thoughts as you read my words and past.  I am not proud of the person I once was or the things I sometimes said and did.  Quite frankly, I'd rather forget all that and move on.

There's healing in making peace with the past, I do know this.

And one other thing I know, as with all things we wish for in abundance, grace has a cycle.  In order to get it from others, we must first dole it out in big helpings at the most undeserved times.  And full circle, we must learn to receive it when we are given Grace in undeserved measure.

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