Thursday, October 16, 2014

31 Days: Day 16 {Staying Sane}

I never realized how much I truly say the word "crazy" until this 31 Days writing project.

And truly, it was a crazy task to assign myself since I normally post here once a week or less.
The hardest part of writing for me has never been that I didn't want to or that I couldn't make time for it.  The hardest part is weeding through all the "crazy" in my head and in my life, just to figure out what to say.

I love to write and I love to share my opinions but it was never my goal to record writing here that only I would read.
I'm not sure what I thought I might have to offer, but somewhere in my desire to journal and search for grace in everyday life, there existed the notion that perhaps I had something to say that would be helpful or inspiring to someone else.

I mean, really, who doesn't want to help and inspire others?!

I wasn't hoping for recognition for it, I just think it's fun to share and converse with others in a helpful way. I feel when you are willing to help, it's serving.  At the least, it makes two people feel good - the person you help and you too.  At best, good stuff comes back to you when 
you most need it.

But like I said, the hardest part is weeding through all the stuff to get to the heart of the matter.
Today I was driving down the road, running errands before getting the kids from school.  I hit "scan" on the radio and stopped when I heard a 
Pearl Jam song.
It's not the kind of music I listen to all the time, but it was perfect for today.
The noise in my head was so loud I just wanted something ~ ANYTHING ~ to drown it out.

So I rolled the windows down just a crack and cranked the music really loud.
And for about 2 minutes, Eddie Vedder replaced the crazy going on inside my head.

Does anyone else ever feel like they just need a break from themselves?
I just want to turn off my mind sometimes.
So many thoughts - so little room in there; 
you know? 
Even when I lie down in bed, I have a hard time shutting down for the night.

I'm definitely an analytical person and maybe that's part of the issue.

I'm sure some of you already think I am truly crazy; like, check-me-into-a-special-place kind of crazy.

But part of the noise inside my head is me analyzing {you name it - I can think it to death}, part of it is me talking to myself {no, I don't answer myself}, and part of it {a big part of it} is me talking to God.

It took me awhile to realize this about my thoughts.

I used to think that verse about praying without ceasing (1 Thes 5:17) was not only impractical,
 but impossible.
Turns out it's not. You just have to realize that praying is talking to God like you would talk to a friend {or yourself}.  It doesn't have to be a formal conversation every time.  
For me, one of the best things about realizing this is knowing that now, instead of seeking approval from so many other people, I am seeking it from Him.
My constant chatter includes:
"Lord, did I handle that correctly?"
"What was I supposed to learn through this?"
"Is this really what you want me to be doing?"
"What DO you want from me?"

Now, I have to clarify that last's not a screaming, angry question; it's a serious one.
God knows us and what we really feel so why try to hide frustration from Him? 
 I also think it's only natural to reevaluate regularly where He wants you to serve.
Someone told me recently that we all have God-given talents and gifts.  Many of us have more than one.
If we get comfortable using only one of them, how will we ever truly know what He wants from us? Or better, what He has in store for us?

It's a lot to think about, but these are the kind of things that, while noisy and sometimes confusing in my head, actually keep me sane.

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